Thursday, January 22, 2015
God's Mountain, My Story & Jesus #135 January 12, 2015
Dear Father,
Thank you so much for assigning armies of angels to watch over us! Thank you for the advanced warning of trouble. Two hours after you told me of trouble, it came. I discovered that I will now have no income! I will need to stand strong and you will do what is necessary to prepare us for battle if need be, but ultimately we will be victorious. Lord, you reminded me of a false sense of security, which can occur prior to an attack. My spirit felt unsettled, so I am so thankful for the pre-warning. If I had not come to you, I would've been caught unaware. Instead my faith is stronger in victory as you have shown me in advance of it! I am so beyond thankful, Lord! You are such a blessing to me! Thank you for granting me peace as my children are unaware of our current situation based on my confidence in you! You have forever changed me. I love You, Lord!
Erin Come Up!.
Again today, I stood on this mountain in front of my sword room. The path was in front of me and there were no Angels. I looked up and saw the cloud ceiling or type of canopy above me hovering at a low 10 feet. There was a warm gentle mist falling over me. The air smelled so fresh and fragrant unlike anything here on earth. For a moment I was reminded of a smell from 2003 in the summer. It was Bend, Oregon. This time in Bend was a new start for me, my now ex-husband and my children. Bend was, and is, such a beautiful place. I truly met God there as this is where all of my death experiences occurred. It was where I also discovered my husband's infidelities. It was also where I came to discover something so dark…. I can barely speak it. Ultimately, our marriage of 13 years would finally be over in 2007. My heart was broken!
The first time I climbed God’s mountain was in Bend on November 22, 2004. This is when I first discovered the heart condition, which I had was very serious and life threatening.
What the Lord has asked me to share is extremely painful and difficult, but the Lord grants us testimonies to be able to share them with others who are struggling or might be struggling in their own marriages; even Christian ones. He is allowing me to paint the picture without going too far.
My husband and I met in 1993. I was unsaved and recently divorced after only 18 months of marriage with one of my roommates and good friends. I mistook friendship as love, yet, in hindsight, my first husband was kind, warm, handsome and funny. We mutually parted ways for no good reason under God and, if I had known what Biblical marriage was about, it would've been completely out of God's will for me to divorce my first husband. Both of us were nonbelievers.
When I met my kids’ father, I was not a believer. In fact, I hated Christians and I was raised as a Unitarian Universalist. This church was a wide gate thinking church, where all religions are accepted as valid and Jesus was reduced to being a Prophet only.
It took me about a year, but finally I came to Christ at the end of 1993 and I became baptized in1994; January 9th, exactly 21 years ago. I was engaged a month later and married in August 1994.
For writing purposes, I will call my children’s father, “M”. M is from a strong Pentecostal family and they seemed normal with a good family value system. M seemed financially stable and strong in his moral character.
As the wedding approached, the Lord had given me pre-warnings! God had revealed some things which were signs of my fiancé's strange proclivities, but, because I was naive, I was not sure of what He was showing me. My friends warned that something didn't feel right. I dismissed them because they were nonbelievers. Finally, God revealed something I discovered in M's room three days prior to the wedding. I was so distraught; I went to him for an explanation. I could tell he was lying to me, but I didn't call off the wedding. I felt a strong love and loyalty to my soon-to-be husband, because he had led me to Christ and I was grateful! I felt personally as if it was the Lord’s Will to be with M. I dismissed three massive warnings from God that there was trouble.
After we were married, I discovered more and more. My husband had a horrible addiction to pornography. It wasn't a mild one, but an extreme addiction. Let's just say it was along the lines of the 50 Shades of Gray books and movie that I saw a trailer for recently, but much more decrepit and involving pain. I felt trapped. I confronted him. I went to the pastor of our church for help. I went to a Christian counselor, who finally was able to get a confession from my husband about how extreme this was. I was at a crossroads. Do I love my husband enough to dive into the trenches and go into this seedy underground world, or do I lead a separate life, married, but apart from him? I chose the separate life.
I told him I didn't want to know about any of his trysts. I turned my cheek and looked the other way. I knew when this addiction was out of control as M would work long hours, become withdrawn, he would become angry, and he remained silent at church. His family blamed me for all of it. I began to research this type of addiction. Mind you, nothing was written for Christian marriages, yet one mainstream pornography study back in 1995 claimed Christian men were the worst offenders. I called prayer warriors to our home from church. I kept cleansing our doors and windows. I spent hours on my knees and in prayers of intersession for my husband. I even went to a Pentecostal Hispanic church where a Prophet came to me and told me about my husband's addiction to “pornographia” and the Lord commanded him to pray for my husband to have stomach aches with his acts of immorality so I would know when he was at his worst.
Sure enough, my husband had regular stomach aches, but this still didn't stop him. I became bitter and disillusioned because I saw him go through the motions of pretending to be a Christian. All the while I knew about his secret life and sin. Sin was a massive barrier to breakthrough in our home. As the sin occurred, undiscussed and hidden, I became ill. First I had severe headaches. I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the washroom only to find myself on the floor slumped over, or face down, in a twisted position. M dismissed these occurrences, but I sought medical help.
I was referred to a neurologist specializing in brain tumors. After an MRI and other studies, a tumor was discovered about size of a dime in the very center of my brain. Instead of surgery, and because the doctor believed it was dormant, only medication was administered to me.
During this treatment, I discovered I was pregnant. I stop this medication immediately and, through prayer, I continued on my course as a Business owner and soon to be Christian mom. My marriage had become more strained as I lived and put my hope in the Lord, rather than my husband's promises. The issue I was having was a complete lack of repentance on his part. He had no remorse, compassion or sympathy for what I was going through personally. He was enjoying his sin more than me. He would take advantage of my lack of knowing the Bible at the time as an opportunity to change Scriptures to fit his sins. Through his twisting of Scripture, I began to doubt who Christ was in my life and if He even loved me at all. My ex-husband reminded me all the time of my checkered past. He reminded me constantly of how the Lord forgives certain people, but does not forgive me. Even though M could not name my sins when I asked him exactly what they were, according to him, these unnamed sins were so great that M told me they were unforgivable under God.
I left M after the birth of my middle son as I could no longer trust him. His family business was in an area of North East Portland where prostitution was rampant and a constant temptation for whatever M was into. I left with my two sons and moved out. I had discovered something so dark, I no longer felt safe under the same roof as M. I knew the Lord revealed this to me. I had been waking up in the mornings with odd markings, bruises and scratches on my body. When I confronted my husband, he again told me I was crazy and imagining things.
Not liking that I was now trying to escape from him, M told the pastors of our church and his family that he suspected I was having an affair. When I was confronted, I told all of them that I was in a relationship with our Lord Jesus and I was tired of them turning a blind eye to my husband's sexual addictions. After a few months of separation, M tried to get us back. He was successful, although never repentant. M convinced me his problems were all my fault. So I went through fasting and repentance for my participation or, really, unwilling participation in M’s continued sin.
I knew, based on Scriptures and through Godly counsel that I was released from the marriage based on his infidelity alone, yet I stayed. I wanted my children to have a life with both parents. At this point, I had given birth to my daughter. I had a difficult pregnancy with her. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so instead I slept downstairs in the living room as I could only sleep sitting up. Anything my husband gave me to drink or eat, my body would bring it right back up. It was actually a time of great rest for me and peace. For some reason, I felt God's hands over me as I slept on the sofa. Later, I realized how wonderful His love and care was for me.
Our marriage continued with trouble. I no longer trusted my husband, and when he used Paul's scriptures against me to remind me that my body was not my own, I became repulsed.
During this time, my businesses were under the charge of angels. My husband was not active in my retail stores. God blessed these ventures of mine, as I gave all of my credit to Him for the blessings we received. God made my businesses prosper. My husband hated going into the shops, but he loved the profits. Finally, I felt the Lord wanted me to sell my shops and move our family to Bend Oregon for a fresh start. M and I both agreed to it, as he finally admitted that his lifestyle around his “enablers” needed to change. We moved in 2003 to Bend, Oregon.
Unfortunately, this move was a time for a fresh start and dark revelations. I began to suspect my husband was soon back into his sin again. He had become unmotivated, withdrawn, angry, and blaming others for his plight. I said nothing and remained silent. I prayed and fasted for two weeks. The Lord began to arouse me at out of my sleep. My lucid dreams were of my husband doing things to me at night while I slept. I saw flashes of light…then nothing. God kept giving me this scripture over and over again: Habakkuk 2:15-16
15: “Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbors, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies. 16: You will be filled with shame instead of glory!”
I went three days with no food or water. The Lord showed me that I was about to be awakened to what my husband had been doing to me. Then, within seven days, my darkest discovery came. Every night that my husband had served me chocolate ice cream over the course of 9 years was the clue which I dismissed as a loving act by my husband. It made me feel wonderful that he would do this for me a few nights a week. It was the one consistent act of love and service that he had shown me in which I looked forward to. When he served me, it was usually right before bedtime as the children slept in the other room. We would watch TV or a movie, and then turn in and go to bed after about 45 minutes.
Problem: After all these years, on this particular evening in October 2004, I had purchased vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate. My husband served me as I sat on the sofa. All the lights were out and the TV on. I took a bite of the ice cream not noticing what was there. Then I took another. YUK — I bit into something very bitter. Not saying anything, I immediately turned on the light. My vanilla ice cream had turned blue. I said, “What did you put in this?” He stood up, grabbed my bowl and immediately washed it down the sink. I went to the freezer and pulled out the container of Breyer’s ice cream. There was nothing blue in there. I confronted him. “What did you do? How long have you been doing this?” He told me I was crazy and I needed to prove this, as there is no proof he put anything in my ice cream. I said nothing else. I spent the night restless. I couldn't sleep.
I began to recall download after download from the last nine years of our marriage. It was as if the Holy Spirit had completely opened the floodgates of my memory. It was as if a veil had lifted over my head and eyes. All my illnesses now had a factual root to them. I went to my knees and prayed to God!! “Lord, what do I do?”
The next morning, I went to my doctor to have him run blood tests. I told him the story. He was very honest with me. He told me I needed to have some idea of what this drug was. He said this was like, ”Finding a needle in a haystack”. I left discouraged. I cleared my schedule for the next day and got some help from one of my friends to babysit. It was time for me to investigate!
I went through M's files as I knew the computer would be the best way to discover what my husband had been doing. Unfortunately, I was locked out of the system. I prayed. The Holy Spirit revealed to me a pass code - I typed it in and it worked!!! I found out that his addiction was in full bloom. I discovered that he belonged to some dating sites and some other things. I found no information on drugs. I emailed several items to myself for evidence - for safekeeping.
I then began to go through his personal things. However, he had plenty of time to remove evidence in the last 24 hours. I was discouraged again and I had begun to give up hope as I knew my husband would be home soon. I scanned our bedroom one more time and noticed something! A camera sat by our bed. I remembered when M had purchased it. I didn't understand why he was interested in photography since I was the main photographer in our home. I had no idea how it worked as it was completely digital (new back then). Just as I picked it up I could hear the garage door open. I looked at the side of the camera and I removed what I knew later to be a memory card. This was in October 2004, so there was a limited use of devices with small memory cards. I heard the door open and I quickly stuffed the memory card into a small undetectable slit in the side of our mattress. I quickly ran out to the kitchen to greet him.
Our conversation led to my showing him what I had found on his computer and I began to bluff and tell him I was waiting for the results of the blood tests. I told him he needed to gather his belongings and leave because I found enough to send him to jail. I also told him no more Christian counseling as this marriage was over.
Without even an “I'm sorry”, he began to pack his things. He grabbed his camera, the first item. Then he grabbed the computer equipment and his technology, leaving us with no electronics. He grabbed his clothing. I had taken some money out of our account earlier that day so I would be assured to have enough to pay the expenses for at least one month. He left without a word or even so much as a goodbye.
After this, my children and I began to have much darker times. The discovery of hidden things brings grief. More and more happened. Finally, arrests were made and the local authorities began to investigate my husband. More people stood up for him then they stood up for me. Other than those who were active in our case, like the police and a few of my closest friends, I had become very evil in the sight of those who supported M. Face it - what a sensational accusation for a woman to make against her husband, especially since it was a very rare thing indeed in those days for a man to perform these types of evil.
I was called in to discuss our case with the district attorney. He appointed a grand jury to indict M. It took a while, but I finally remembered that small memory card from M's camera. Not knowing what was on this, and this now being several months later, I took it to one of my friends who had all the technology needed to open it. My friend was horrified when she discovered what was on the memory card. The device contained the evidence of what had taken place while I was asleep. The DA explained to me that there were no cases on the books across the US for something such as this. He said he was positive it was Rufinol; “The Date Rape Drug” which turns blue when in contact with liquids. The DA suspected that my husband had been using it for years against me. However, because it was this and not, say, rat poisoning, the county prosecutors would have a hard time convicting M in this case. The DA said, “I will fight for your children as convicting him for what he did to the kids is winnable. However, I can't see that we have enough to convict your husband on what he has done to you.”
Now, rewind back to November 22, 2004, just six months prior. This was my first registered near death experience at the hospital. During this, the Lord told me at the base of His Mountain to let Him carry me. “Erin, trust Me to carry you!” I Held fast to God's promises, although, at this point, my world had been destroyed!
The grand jury took less than 10 minutes to deliberate in a move to convict M for what he had done to my children. However, now my children were subjected to interview after interview — (their ages at this time were 3, 5 and 7). It was time-consuming and extremely painful. I was not comfortable sharing our story as I was quickly dismissed as crazy by those who just heard a brief part of our story aside from the evidence. I had only a handful of about 5 close friends who weathered this storm with us. They witnessed everything at trial. They stood beside me and my children when we were going through our darkest time. I was so blessed that the Lord sent such amazing Christians into our life to speak kindness, love, prayers and correct the lies spoken about me.
I filed for divorce, as the kids’ dad was not apologetic and blamed his behaviors on me and my children. The divorce was long and finally ended in 2007. My children were so troubled by what happened that it manifested in so many different ways. The boys had Aspergers syndrome, which also made getting help through crime victims’ organizations very difficult. I went from having a high-paying job to unemployed as I could not keep up with all the mandatory counseling sessions at the Kids Center for Abused Children and the frequent calls from the Elementary School.
My health was failing. My Heart was not doing well. I went through strange episodes. I had an unusual heart condition which, because the doctors had no idea what to call it, they called it “Broken heart syndrome”. On March 21st of 2008, on Good Friday, my heart stopped when I was at work. Soon after, I was diagnosed with an unusual type of heart arrhythmia in which my heart would stop at the slightest bit of pain. Later I found out that one of the long-term side effects of the drug, “Rufinol”, which I believe was the drug that my husband put in my food, was the very heart condition I “happened” to have.
In tears, and as I write this, I looked around me on the path I was traveling on God’s Mountain. I sat down on a beautiful rock bench under a weeping willow tree. I laughed as willow trees here in Heaven are really not weeping as the branches are filled with small white flowers with silver leaves. As the branches moved, they made a beautiful sound. The music was uplifting and rose in notes higher and higher. It was as if this tree is God's own Wind Chime.
Me: “Lord, I wish you were here.” Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and it was Jesus. He put his arms out to hold me. I cried as I wept with my head on His chest. I felt warmth, joy begin to come back to me.
Jesus: “Erin, it’s okay, I'm here. I have never left you. You are mine!”
Me: “Lord, I hate my story. I don't like going back there. Please remove my memory and that of my children. I become angry and grieved when I have to relive this.”
Jesus: “I understand, Erin. There are many, many stories of others out there who grieve as you do. It seems unfair, doesn't it? Why would God, My Father, who as you know is good all the time allow such things?”
Me: “Yes, why? I understand me, but my children? Why? Lord, there have been so many things against us! Why? What did I do to deserve this? What do innocent children do to deserve these things?”
Jesus: “Erin, you know what God has planned for you here. You have seen only a fraction of paradise. You have not committed blasphemy against God. You haven't misused scripture to judge others. You have stayed to your course and the path God has kept you on!”
Me: “Lord, you have warned me that Christians will be my biggest rivals. You have shown me what to expect and I am tired. I have barely recovered from one battle, when I'm subject to the next. I have stayed to myself.”
Jesus: “Erin, remember the times we live in and, what is detestable to God, the world finds acceptable. What is lovely to God, the world finds hideous! The truth is in My words. Nothing makes sense to those who don't know truth. This is your gauge of the timing of the seasons we are in now. There will be scoffers walking after their own lusts. (2 Peter 3:3-4) Remember that some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of Devils.“ (1Timothy 4:1)
Me: “Lord, I thought this only referred to religions?”
Jesus: “Hmmm, not so. What is Scripture to someone who wants to sin? Will they not follow what feeds their appetite? Most churches will become sensitive to the world and will no longer care about the Word of Truth and pleasing the Heart of God; their Maker! Erin, why do you think that you have been called to reveal your testimony right now?”
Me: “Because I feel, in my spirit, something unsettling is about to occur. It will happen exactly 40 days from the midpoint of the Tetrads. I believe a new movement of darkness will occur. I've seen Christian marriages becoming unholy to God. I've seen what happens. I know what will occur. I unwillingly and unknowingly experienced it myself. There is no cure other than You, Lord. There is soon to be a coldness coming over the face of this planet; whereby right is wrong and wrong is right! I am seeing it now. It will occur in winter and winter's bitter cold will never lift off the hearts of men until you come. I'm frightened!”
Jesus: “Erin, your story is for this time. You are correct. Love will become cold. It will be rare to find a pure marriage bed once the enemy carries out his assignments. This was foretold in the beginning. You will see this occurring just like it did in the Garden of Eden with Eve. What woman will not want to be desirable to her husband with this new worldly knowledge? Yet all of this knowledge is in the Song of Songs, which is rarely considered as a Love Story from God. It has been there all along. Passion and love are a gift from God in a marriage. Three strands are not easily broken if the third strand is Heavenly and is God! Two can defend themselves as long as God is there — 3 Strands!.”
I wasn't quite certain I understood what He was fully talking about, but I know there's more to this.
Me: “Lord, I'm afraid!”
Jesus: “Erin, you have been through this battle! You have learned to keep your eyes on the hills, where your help comes from! (Psalm 121) You have kept your focus on God because you have experienced God in a supernatural way! You have continued to look for Him to save you! Without even realizing it, you had faith all along. Even when you thought you had no faith, your faith was always there. In your darkest times of silent abuse, in your marriage, God heard your cries. You have not been forgotten! At times when it seemed disheartening and the enemy appears to be winning, take heart that God, My Father, from His Throne, is commanding angels concerning you and your family! (I was crying as I write) Erin, you were surrounded by your enemies to the north, south, east & west; God removed you quickly to a safe place in His Quiver. I know you have not had an easy time so far as you get settled in where you are, but just know that even the Israelites took a while to build their dwellings, consider their fields, and eventually yield a harvest!”
Me: “I'm sorry, Lord, if I have complained. I am so thankful for what You've done for us!”
Jesus: “Erin, at times you have acted ahead of God's plans. For this resulted in unnecessary delays and battles in the desert. Many, when God remains silent, become impatient and move ahead of His perfect Will.”
Me: “Lord, I am sorry. Move means move, stand means stand, but silence means to wait! No Answer from God means “NO” for now!”
Jesus: “God being silent means He requires your trust in Him. He knows all things in advance. The enemy also knows your comings and goings, but they are limited. God is limitless with resources from Earth and Heaven. God has no restrictions. You have in the past and too often listened to Christians putting limits on God to your own detriment and discouragement because they do not experience supernatural miracles from God. Then therefore God does not do this! They are acting foolishly and are being used by the devil for his purposes. Do not listen. I know what you have seen is valid. It is divinely inspired and soon to come. The fig tree is withering and soon to be cut down before it bears fruit. This you cannot stop. Comfort is what you can offer. Come along side your Christian brothers and sisters out of love, not judgment! Pray. Do not set your eyes on these detestable things! Do not, Erin!”
Me: “Lord, I know too well how damaging all this can be. I promise to stay clear from this dark wave. Lord, You seem so serious today. Your voice is like God’s. You are so direct and firm!” He moved His arm as He smiled at me. Below me was a massive lush Valley at the base of the mountain. I still couldn't see above me, but, below, it was peaceful and beautiful. I was crying. There was no place like this on earth certainly.
Jesus: “Erin, focus on lovely things. God will open up His storehouses of snow (Job 38:22) and make the region see the blessings of God. Many will curse instead, but the blanket of white snow is a sign to look to Heaven. When you see this, Erin, even in Jerusalem, smile, your Redeemer is near!”
I reached out and hugged Him — My Redeemer Jesus!
Me: “Lord, only You can remove our stains. Lord, with what has happened to me, no snow can remove the dirt of my sin. I look back and I see only dirt.”
Jesus: “Hmmm, this is not truth, Erin!! You were purchased for a price! You are loved by God! Forgiven. You have grieved and repented. Your heart is set on God. You are loved by Me. I Am your Attorney, let Me plead your case. Your enemy will not prosper. His time has run its course. Though they seem to gather and unite, their false victory will be coming to an abrupt close, just as the angels foretold!”
Me: “Lord, I feel I deserve it. I have been stupid and overcome many times because I turned away from the enemy and didn’t fight. I felt that is what a good Christian does!”
Jesus: “Erin, don't allow the enemy to speak. He has no hold over you, unless you give him authority to do so. Don't do this. He will try it on you. Now, you made errors, which are common, based on you being good and your enemy spent on evil. Having a good heart doesn't mean you need weak composure, or no defense system, to be a Good Christian. What are you told to do? Put on your armor. Why? Not because you are turning and running and need to avoid falling rocks from your enemy. Was that left out of scripture?” He smiled and I knew He was trying to lighten my mood.
Me: “You need us to have armor so we are prepared for battle!”
Jesus: “Then study what Godly armor is again, and then look to the hills. What do you see? Oh yes, and don't forget who has your enemy surrounded… He owns the cattle on a thousand hills!!! Erin, you're not alone! I AM Here with you!! Your enemy can do nothing. They are surrounded by God's armies. Turning and running now will be out of the will of God. So sit on your horse with your full armor and recognize who you are and what will soon occur and take comfort!!!”
Me: “Thank You, Lord! I'm sorry I have listened to some of these Christians. I'm sorry I have not walked fully in Your promises at times.”
Jesus: “Pray for them to have miracles. Many will not recognize God even then. Even with signs and wonders, many will dismiss God. So let them go on their own journey, in the waves of the ocean, as double minded men. They will “bob to and fro” in the Sea with the current and eventually they will end-up somewhere. Only pray for them. They do not change, even by God's word, let alone yours. Let this go, as this is not your battlefield.”
I reached over and hugged Him.
Me: “Please hide us under the shadows of Your wings, Lord.”
Jesus: He was holding me and laughing. “Then it is done! I love you! Now dress in your armor; Full Armor, Erin. Things will become rocky, but only for a short time. These battles will be short.
Me: “Thank You, Lord! Thank You!” I cried and He kisses the top of my head!
Jesus: “Also, don’t forget to pray for your sister, Israel! Something I must say to you, Erin… Remember, there were 2 women at the foot of the cross; two Mary’s. One without the stains of this world and falsely accused, yet she was righteous, and one with stains removed so she became white as snow. She was rendered guilty by her accusers, but her stain removed by Me! The world still considered her guilty, yet she had changed. Both were together at the foot of the cross and both were loved by God! Erin, you are at the foot of the cross. Let me go further. Both Mary’s even went to My grave because they mourned My passing, yet they expected a miracle. So they were the first to witness this miracle and an angel appeared to them! Erin, you look for miracles because you know God is in control. Even in the darkest grief, your miracles will be visible. As God is allowing the angels to minister from Heavenly Places, so be encouraged. You live under an Open Heaven! Expect and receive miracles!”
Me: “Thank You, Lord. I will wait and look to the hills. I will look forward to any miracles You decide to grant us!! You, most of all, Lord, are My best and greatest Gift & Miracle of ALL!!!”
I held Him tighter with every part of my being. I could even feel my cells, if at all possible — all of me was so thankful to Him!! I felt a rush of love flowing through my veins, my heart and even to my feet!!
Jesus: “You will not need to stand and wait long! Do not worry or be afraid!! I am with you! You are loved!”
Me: “Oh, how I adore & love You!!!”
The Sun shone so bright, I was almost blinded and, suddenly, Jesus was gone. My heart welled up with love! I dropped to my knees and cried under the Happy Heavenly “non-weeping” Willow Tree!
Lord, bless this testimony. May it help others to know You!!
Love forever, Erin
God's Mountain, My Story & Jesus #135 January 12, 2015
Communion
Dear Father,
Thank you so much for assigning armies of angels to watch over us! Thank you for the advanced warning of trouble. Two hours after you told me of trouble, it came. I discovered that I will now have no income! I will need to stand strong and you will do what is necessary to prepare us for battle if need be, but ultimately we will be victorious. Lord, you reminded me of a false sense of security, which can occur prior to an attack. My spirit felt unsettled, so I am so thankful for the pre-warning. If I had not come to you, I would've been caught unaware. Instead my faith is stronger in victory as you have shown me in advance of it! I am so beyond thankful, Lord! You are such a blessing to me! Thank you for granting me peace as my children are unaware of our current situation based on my confidence in you! You have forever changed me. I love You, Lord!
Erin Come Up!.
Again today, I stood on this mountain in front of my sword room. The path was in front of me and there were no Angels. I looked up and saw the cloud ceiling or type of canopy above me hovering at a low 10 feet. There was a warm gentle mist falling over me. The air smelled so fresh and fragrant unlike anything here on earth. For a moment I was reminded of a smell from 2003 in the summer. It was Bend, Oregon. This time in Bend was a new start for me, my now ex-husband and my children. Bend was, and is, such a beautiful place. I truly met God there as this is where all of my death experiences occurred. It was where I also discovered my husband's infidelities. It was also where I came to discover something so dark…. I can barely speak it. Ultimately, our marriage of 13 years would finally be over in 2007. My heart was broken!
The first time I climbed God’s mountain was in Bend on November 22, 2004. This is when I first discovered the heart condition, which I had was very serious and life threatening.
What the Lord has asked me to share is extremely painful and difficult, but the Lord grants us testimonies to be able to share them with others who are struggling or might be struggling in their own marriages; even Christian ones. He is allowing me to paint the picture without going too far.
My husband and I met in 1993. I was unsaved and recently divorced after only 18 months of marriage with one of my roommates and good friends. I mistook friendship as love, yet, in hindsight, my first husband was kind, warm, handsome and funny. We mutually parted ways for no good reason under God and, if I had known what Biblical marriage was about, it would've been completely out of God's will for me to divorce my first husband. Both of us were nonbelievers.
When I met my kids’ father, I was not a believer. In fact, I hated Christians and I was raised as a Unitarian Universalist. This church was a wide gate thinking church, where all religions are accepted as valid and Jesus was reduced to being a Prophet only.
It took me about a year, but finally I came to Christ at the end of 1993 and I became baptized in1994; January 9th, exactly 21 years ago. I was engaged a month later and married in August 1994.
For writing purposes, I will call my children’s father, “M”. M is from a strong Pentecostal family and they seemed normal with a good family value system. M seemed financially stable and strong in his moral character.
As the wedding approached, the Lord had given me pre-warnings! God had revealed some things which were signs of my fiancé's strange proclivities, but, because I was naive, I was not sure of what He was showing me. My friends warned that something didn't feel right. I dismissed them because they were nonbelievers. Finally, God revealed something I discovered in M's room three days prior to the wedding. I was so distraught; I went to him for an explanation. I could tell he was lying to me, but I didn't call off the wedding. I felt a strong love and loyalty to my soon-to-be husband, because he had led me to Christ and I was grateful! I felt personally as if it was the Lord’s Will to be with M. I dismissed three massive warnings from God that there was trouble.
After we were married, I discovered more and more. My husband had a horrible addiction to pornography. It wasn't a mild one, but an extreme addiction. Let's just say it was along the lines of the 50 Shades of Gray books and movie that I saw a trailer for recently, but much more decrepit and involving pain. I felt trapped. I confronted him. I went to the pastor of our church for help. I went to a Christian counselor, who finally was able to get a confession from my husband about how extreme this was. I was at a crossroads. Do I love my husband enough to dive into the trenches and go into this seedy underground world, or do I lead a separate life, married, but apart from him? I chose the separate life.
I told him I didn't want to know about any of his trysts. I turned my cheek and looked the other way. I knew when this addiction was out of control as M would work long hours, become withdrawn, he would become angry, and he remained silent at church. His family blamed me for all of it. I began to research this type of addiction. Mind you, nothing was written for Christian marriages, yet one mainstream pornography study back in 1995 claimed Christian men were the worst offenders. I called prayer warriors to our home from church. I kept cleansing our doors and windows. I spent hours on my knees and in prayers of intersession for my husband. I even went to a Pentecostal Hispanic church where a Prophet came to me and told me about my husband's addiction to “pornographia” and the Lord commanded him to pray for my husband to have stomach aches with his acts of immorality so I would know when he was at his worst.
Sure enough, my husband had regular stomach aches, but this still didn't stop him. I became bitter and disillusioned because I saw him go through the motions of pretending to be a Christian. All the while I knew about his secret life and sin. Sin was a massive barrier to breakthrough in our home. As the sin occurred, undiscussed and hidden, I became ill. First I had severe headaches. I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the washroom only to find myself on the floor slumped over, or face down, in a twisted position. M dismissed these occurrences, but I sought medical help.
I was referred to a neurologist specializing in brain tumors. After an MRI and other studies, a tumor was discovered about size of a dime in the very center of my brain. Instead of surgery, and because the doctor believed it was dormant, only medication was administered to me.
During this treatment, I discovered I was pregnant. I stop this medication immediately and, through prayer, I continued on my course as a Business owner and soon to be Christian mom. My marriage had become more strained as I lived and put my hope in the Lord, rather than my husband's promises. The issue I was having was a complete lack of repentance on his part. He had no remorse, compassion or sympathy for what I was going through personally. He was enjoying his sin more than me. He would take advantage of my lack of knowing the Bible at the time as an opportunity to change Scriptures to fit his sins. Through his twisting of Scripture, I began to doubt who Christ was in my life and if He even loved me at all. My ex-husband reminded me all the time of my checkered past. He reminded me constantly of how the Lord forgives certain people, but does not forgive me. Even though M could not name my sins when I asked him exactly what they were, according to him, these unnamed sins were so great that M told me they were unforgivable under God.
I left M after the birth of my middle son as I could no longer trust him. His family business was in an area of North East Portland where prostitution was rampant and a constant temptation for whatever M was into. I left with my two sons and moved out. I had discovered something so dark, I no longer felt safe under the same roof as M. I knew the Lord revealed this to me. I had been waking up in the mornings with odd markings, bruises and scratches on my body. When I confronted my husband, he again told me I was crazy and imagining things.
Not liking that I was now trying to escape from him, M told the pastors of our church and his family that he suspected I was having an affair. When I was confronted, I told all of them that I was in a relationship with our Lord Jesus and I was tired of them turning a blind eye to my husband's sexual addictions. After a few months of separation, M tried to get us back. He was successful, although never repentant. M convinced me his problems were all my fault. So I went through fasting and repentance for my participation or, really, unwilling participation in M’s continued sin.
I knew, based on Scriptures and through Godly counsel that I was released from the marriage based on his infidelity alone, yet I stayed. I wanted my children to have a life with both parents. At this point, I had given birth to my daughter. I had a difficult pregnancy with her. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so instead I slept downstairs in the living room as I could only sleep sitting up. Anything my husband gave me to drink or eat, my body would bring it right back up. It was actually a time of great rest for me and peace. For some reason, I felt God's hands over me as I slept on the sofa. Later, I realized how wonderful His love and care was for me.
Our marriage continued with trouble. I no longer trusted my husband, and when he used Paul's scriptures against me to remind me that my body was not my own, I became repulsed.
During this time, my businesses were under the charge of angels. My husband was not active in my retail stores. God blessed these ventures of mine, as I gave all of my credit to Him for the blessings we received. God made my businesses prosper. My husband hated going into the shops, but he loved the profits. Finally, I felt the Lord wanted me to sell my shops and move our family to Bend Oregon for a fresh start. M and I both agreed to it, as he finally admitted that his lifestyle around his “enablers” needed to change. We moved in 2003 to Bend, Oregon.
Unfortunately, this move was a time for a fresh start and dark revelations. I began to suspect my husband was soon back into his sin again. He had become unmotivated, withdrawn, angry, and blaming others for his plight. I said nothing and remained silent. I prayed and fasted for two weeks. The Lord began to arouse me at out of my sleep. My lucid dreams were of my husband doing things to me at night while I slept. I saw flashes of light…then nothing. God kept giving me this scripture over and over again: Habakkuk 2:15-16
15: “Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbors, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies. 16: You will be filled with shame instead of glory!”
I went three days with no food or water. The Lord showed me that I was about to be awakened to what my husband had been doing to me. Then, within seven days, my darkest discovery came. Every night that my husband had served me chocolate ice cream over the course of 9 years was the clue which I dismissed as a loving act by my husband. It made me feel wonderful that he would do this for me a few nights a week. It was the one consistent act of love and service that he had shown me in which I looked forward to. When he served me, it was usually right before bedtime as the children slept in the other room. We would watch TV or a movie, and then turn in and go to bed after about 45 minutes.
Problem: After all these years, on this particular evening in October 2004, I had purchased vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate. My husband served me as I sat on the sofa. All the lights were out and the TV on. I took a bite of the ice cream not noticing what was there. Then I took another. YUK — I bit into something very bitter. Not saying anything, I immediately turned on the light. My vanilla ice cream had turned blue. I said, “What did you put in this?” He stood up, grabbed my bowl and immediately washed it down the sink. I went to the freezer and pulled out the container of Breyer’s ice cream. There was nothing blue in there. I confronted him. “What did you do? How long have you been doing this?” He told me I was crazy and I needed to prove this, as there is no proof he put anything in my ice cream. I said nothing else. I spent the night restless. I couldn't sleep.
I began to recall download after download from the last nine years of our marriage. It was as if the Holy Spirit had completely opened the floodgates of my memory. It was as if a veil had lifted over my head and eyes. All my illnesses now had a factual root to them. I went to my knees and prayed to God!! “Lord, what do I do?”
The next morning, I went to my doctor to have him run blood tests. I told him the story. He was very honest with me. He told me I needed to have some idea of what this drug was. He said this was like, ”Finding a needle in a haystack”. I left discouraged. I cleared my schedule for the next day and got some help from one of my friends to babysit. It was time for me to investigate!
I went through M's files as I knew the computer would be the best way to discover what my husband had been doing. Unfortunately, I was locked out of the system. I prayed. The Holy Spirit revealed to me a pass code - I typed it in and it worked!!! I found out that his addiction was in full bloom. I discovered that he belonged to some dating sites and some other things. I found no information on drugs. I emailed several items to myself for evidence - for safekeeping.
I then began to go through his personal things. However, he had plenty of time to remove evidence in the last 24 hours. I was discouraged again and I had begun to give up hope as I knew my husband would be home soon. I scanned our bedroom one more time and noticed something! A camera sat by our bed. I remembered when M had purchased it. I didn't understand why he was interested in photography since I was the main photographer in our home. I had no idea how it worked as it was completely digital (new back then). Just as I picked it up I could hear the garage door open. I looked at the side of the camera and I removed what I knew later to be a memory card. This was in October 2004, so there was a limited use of devices with small memory cards. I heard the door open and I quickly stuffed the memory card into a small undetectable slit in the side of our mattress. I quickly ran out to the kitchen to greet him.
Our conversation led to my showing him what I had found on his computer and I began to bluff and tell him I was waiting for the results of the blood tests. I told him he needed to gather his belongings and leave because I found enough to send him to jail. I also told him no more Christian counseling as this marriage was over.
Without even an “I'm sorry”, he began to pack his things. He grabbed his camera, the first item. Then he grabbed the computer equipment and his technology, leaving us with no electronics. He grabbed his clothing. I had taken some money out of our account earlier that day so I would be assured to have enough to pay the expenses for at least one month. He left without a word or even so much as a goodbye.
After this, my children and I began to have much darker times. The discovery of hidden things brings grief. More and more happened. Finally, arrests were made and the local authorities began to investigate my husband. More people stood up for him then they stood up for me. Other than those who were active in our case, like the police and a few of my closest friends, I had become very evil in the sight of those who supported M. Face it - what a sensational accusation for a woman to make against her husband, especially since it was a very rare thing indeed in those days for a man to perform these types of evil.
I was called in to discuss our case with the district attorney. He appointed a grand jury to indict M. It took a while, but I finally remembered that small memory card from M's camera. Not knowing what was on this, and this now being several months later, I took it to one of my friends who had all the technology needed to open it. My friend was horrified when she discovered what was on the memory card. The device contained the evidence of what had taken place while I was asleep. The DA explained to me that there were no cases on the books across the US for something such as this. He said he was positive it was Rufinol; “The Date Rape Drug” which turns blue when in contact with liquids. The DA suspected that my husband had been using it for years against me. However, because it was this and not, say, rat poisoning, the county prosecutors would have a hard time convicting M in this case. The DA said, “I will fight for your children as convicting him for what he did to the kids is winnable. However, I can't see that we have enough to convict your husband on what he has done to you.”
Now, rewind back to November 22, 2004, just six months prior. This was my first registered near death experience at the hospital. During this, the Lord told me at the base of His Mountain to let Him carry me. “Erin, trust Me to carry you!” I Held fast to God's promises, although, at this point, my world had been destroyed!
The grand jury took less than 10 minutes to deliberate in a move to convict M for what he had done to my children. However, now my children were subjected to interview after interview — (their ages at this time were 3, 5 and 7). It was time-consuming and extremely painful. I was not comfortable sharing our story as I was quickly dismissed as crazy by those who just heard a brief part of our story aside from the evidence. I had only a handful of about 5 close friends who weathered this storm with us. They witnessed everything at trial. They stood beside me and my children when we were going through our darkest time. I was so blessed that the Lord sent such amazing Christians into our life to speak kindness, love, prayers and correct the lies spoken about me.
I filed for divorce, as the kids’ dad was not apologetic and blamed his behaviors on me and my children. The divorce was long and finally ended in 2007. My children were so troubled by what happened that it manifested in so many different ways. The boys had Aspergers syndrome, which also made getting help through crime victims’ organizations very difficult. I went from having a high-paying job to unemployed as I could not keep up with all the mandatory counseling sessions at the Kids Center for Abused Children and the frequent calls from the Elementary School.
My health was failing. My Heart was not doing well. I went through strange episodes. I had an unusual heart condition which, because the doctors had no idea what to call it, they called it “Broken heart syndrome”. On March 21st of 2008, on Good Friday, my heart stopped when I was at work. Soon after, I was diagnosed with an unusual type of heart arrhythmia in which my heart would stop at the slightest bit of pain. Later I found out that one of the long-term side effects of the drug, “Rufinol”, which I believe was the drug that my husband put in my food, was the very heart condition I “happened” to have.
In tears, and as I write this, I looked around me on the path I was traveling on God’s Mountain. I sat down on a beautiful rock bench under a weeping willow tree. I laughed as willow trees here in Heaven are really not weeping as the branches are filled with small white flowers with silver leaves. As the branches moved, they made a beautiful sound. The music was uplifting and rose in notes higher and higher. It was as if this tree is God's own Wind Chime.
Me: “Lord, I wish you were here.” Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and it was Jesus. He put his arms out to hold me. I cried as I wept with my head on His chest. I felt warmth, joy begin to come back to me.
Jesus: “Erin, it’s okay, I'm here. I have never left you. You are mine!”
Me: “Lord, I hate my story. I don't like going back there. Please remove my memory and that of my children. I become angry and grieved when I have to relive this.”
Jesus: “I understand, Erin. There are many, many stories of others out there who grieve as you do. It seems unfair, doesn't it? Why would God, My Father, who as you know is good all the time allow such things?”
Me: “Yes, why? I understand me, but my children? Why? Lord, there have been so many things against us! Why? What did I do to deserve this? What do innocent children do to deserve these things?”
Jesus: “Erin, you know what God has planned for you here. You have seen only a fraction of paradise. You have not committed blasphemy against God. You haven't misused scripture to judge others. You have stayed to your course and the path God has kept you on!”
Me: “Lord, you have warned me that Christians will be my biggest rivals. You have shown me what to expect and I am tired. I have barely recovered from one battle, when I'm subject to the next. I have stayed to myself.”
Jesus: “Erin, remember the times we live in and, what is detestable to God, the world finds acceptable. What is lovely to God, the world finds hideous! The truth is in My words. Nothing makes sense to those who don't know truth. This is your gauge of the timing of the seasons we are in now. There will be scoffers walking after their own lusts. (2 Peter 3:3-4) Remember that some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits and doctrines of Devils.“ (1Timothy 4:1)
Me: “Lord, I thought this only referred to religions?”
Jesus: “Hmmm, not so. What is Scripture to someone who wants to sin? Will they not follow what feeds their appetite? Most churches will become sensitive to the world and will no longer care about the Word of Truth and pleasing the Heart of God; their Maker! Erin, why do you think that you have been called to reveal your testimony right now?”
Me: “Because I feel, in my spirit, something unsettling is about to occur. It will happen exactly 40 days from the midpoint of the Tetrads. I believe a new movement of darkness will occur. I've seen Christian marriages becoming unholy to God. I've seen what happens. I know what will occur. I unwillingly and unknowingly experienced it myself. There is no cure other than You, Lord. There is soon to be a coldness coming over the face of this planet; whereby right is wrong and wrong is right! I am seeing it now. It will occur in winter and winter's bitter cold will never lift off the hearts of men until you come. I'm frightened!”
Jesus: “Erin, your story is for this time. You are correct. Love will become cold. It will be rare to find a pure marriage bed once the enemy carries out his assignments. This was foretold in the beginning. You will see this occurring just like it did in the Garden of Eden with Eve. What woman will not want to be desirable to her husband with this new worldly knowledge? Yet all of this knowledge is in the Song of Songs, which is rarely considered as a Love Story from God. It has been there all along. Passion and love are a gift from God in a marriage. Three strands are not easily broken if the third strand is Heavenly and is God! Two can defend themselves as long as God is there — 3 Strands!.”
I wasn't quite certain I understood what He was fully talking about, but I know there's more to this.
Me: “Lord, I'm afraid!”
Jesus: “Erin, you have been through this battle! You have learned to keep your eyes on the hills, where your help comes from! (Psalm 121) You have kept your focus on God because you have experienced God in a supernatural way! You have continued to look for Him to save you! Without even realizing it, you had faith all along. Even when you thought you had no faith, your faith was always there. In your darkest times of silent abuse, in your marriage, God heard your cries. You have not been forgotten! At times when it seemed disheartening and the enemy appears to be winning, take heart that God, My Father, from His Throne, is commanding angels concerning you and your family! (I was crying as I write) Erin, you were surrounded by your enemies to the north, south, east & west; God removed you quickly to a safe place in His Quiver. I know you have not had an easy time so far as you get settled in where you are, but just know that even the Israelites took a while to build their dwellings, consider their fields, and eventually yield a harvest!”
Me: “I'm sorry, Lord, if I have complained. I am so thankful for what You've done for us!”
Jesus: “Erin, at times you have acted ahead of God's plans. For this resulted in unnecessary delays and battles in the desert. Many, when God remains silent, become impatient and move ahead of His perfect Will.”
Me: “Lord, I am sorry. Move means move, stand means stand, but silence means to wait! No Answer from God means “NO” for now!”
Jesus: “God being silent means He requires your trust in Him. He knows all things in advance. The enemy also knows your comings and goings, but they are limited. God is limitless with resources from Earth and Heaven. God has no restrictions. You have in the past and too often listened to Christians putting limits on God to your own detriment and discouragement because they do not experience supernatural miracles from God. Then therefore God does not do this! They are acting foolishly and are being used by the devil for his purposes. Do not listen. I know what you have seen is valid. It is divinely inspired and soon to come. The fig tree is withering and soon to be cut down before it bears fruit. This you cannot stop. Comfort is what you can offer. Come along side your Christian brothers and sisters out of love, not judgment! Pray. Do not set your eyes on these detestable things! Do not, Erin!”
Me: “Lord, I know too well how damaging all this can be. I promise to stay clear from this dark wave. Lord, You seem so serious today. Your voice is like God’s. You are so direct and firm!” He moved His arm as He smiled at me. Below me was a massive lush Valley at the base of the mountain. I still couldn't see above me, but, below, it was peaceful and beautiful. I was crying. There was no place like this on earth certainly.
Jesus: “Erin, focus on lovely things. God will open up His storehouses of snow (Job 38:22) and make the region see the blessings of God. Many will curse instead, but the blanket of white snow is a sign to look to Heaven. When you see this, Erin, even in Jerusalem, smile, your Redeemer is near!”
I reached out and hugged Him — My Redeemer Jesus!
Me: “Lord, only You can remove our stains. Lord, with what has happened to me, no snow can remove the dirt of my sin. I look back and I see only dirt.”
Jesus: “Hmmm, this is not truth, Erin!! You were purchased for a price! You are loved by God! Forgiven. You have grieved and repented. Your heart is set on God. You are loved by Me. I Am your Attorney, let Me plead your case. Your enemy will not prosper. His time has run its course. Though they seem to gather and unite, their false victory will be coming to an abrupt close, just as the angels foretold!”
Me: “Lord, I feel I deserve it. I have been stupid and overcome many times because I turned away from the enemy and didn’t fight. I felt that is what a good Christian does!”
Jesus: “Erin, don't allow the enemy to speak. He has no hold over you, unless you give him authority to do so. Don't do this. He will try it on you. Now, you made errors, which are common, based on you being good and your enemy spent on evil. Having a good heart doesn't mean you need weak composure, or no defense system, to be a Good Christian. What are you told to do? Put on your armor. Why? Not because you are turning and running and need to avoid falling rocks from your enemy. Was that left out of scripture?” He smiled and I knew He was trying to lighten my mood.
Me: “You need us to have armor so we are prepared for battle!”
Jesus: “Then study what Godly armor is again, and then look to the hills. What do you see? Oh yes, and don't forget who has your enemy surrounded… He owns the cattle on a thousand hills!!! Erin, you're not alone! I AM Here with you!! Your enemy can do nothing. They are surrounded by God's armies. Turning and running now will be out of the will of God. So sit on your horse with your full armor and recognize who you are and what will soon occur and take comfort!!!”
Me: “Thank You, Lord! I'm sorry I have listened to some of these Christians. I'm sorry I have not walked fully in Your promises at times.”
Jesus: “Pray for them to have miracles. Many will not recognize God even then. Even with signs and wonders, many will dismiss God. So let them go on their own journey, in the waves of the ocean, as double minded men. They will “bob to and fro” in the Sea with the current and eventually they will end-up somewhere. Only pray for them. They do not change, even by God's word, let alone yours. Let this go, as this is not your battlefield.”
I reached over and hugged Him.
Me: “Please hide us under the shadows of Your wings, Lord.”
Jesus: He was holding me and laughing. “Then it is done! I love you! Now dress in your armor; Full Armor, Erin. Things will become rocky, but only for a short time. These battles will be short.
Me: “Thank You, Lord! Thank You!” I cried and He kisses the top of my head!
Jesus: “Also, don’t forget to pray for your sister, Israel! Something I must say to you, Erin… Remember, there were 2 women at the foot of the cross; two Mary’s. One without the stains of this world and falsely accused, yet she was righteous, and one with stains removed so she became white as snow. She was rendered guilty by her accusers, but her stain removed by Me! The world still considered her guilty, yet she had changed. Both were together at the foot of the cross and both were loved by God! Erin, you are at the foot of the cross. Let me go further. Both Mary’s even went to My grave because they mourned My passing, yet they expected a miracle. So they were the first to witness this miracle and an angel appeared to them! Erin, you look for miracles because you know God is in control. Even in the darkest grief, your miracles will be visible. As God is allowing the angels to minister from Heavenly Places, so be encouraged. You live under an Open Heaven! Expect and receive miracles!”
Me: “Thank You, Lord. I will wait and look to the hills. I will look forward to any miracles You decide to grant us!! You, most of all, Lord, are My best and greatest Gift & Miracle of ALL!!!”
I held Him tighter with every part of my being. I could even feel my cells, if at all possible — all of me was so thankful to Him!! I felt a rush of love flowing through my veins, my heart and even to my feet!!
Jesus: “You will not need to stand and wait long! Do not worry or be afraid!! I am with you! You are loved!”
Me: “Oh, how I adore & love You!!!”
The Sun shone so bright, I was almost blinded and, suddenly, Jesus was gone. My heart welled up with love! I dropped to my knees and cried under the Happy Heavenly “non-weeping” Willow Tree!
Lord, bless this testimony. May it help others to know You!!
Love forever, Erin
